Write Your Rider

5 Mar

Folks, you never know when you’re going to hit it big.  It happens all the time: one day some aspiring artist is slaving away at open mikes, sending demo tapes to labels they know won’t read them, or auditioning for re-enactments on crappy docudramas, and the next day, BAM, said person is booking national tours, swimming in pools of Cristal and fielding requests for appearances on daytime talk shows.  I know that when my big moment comes, I want to be ready.  I plan to be so busy sorting through my free shwag and turning down offers from Dancing With the Stars that I won’t have time to write my rider.  So naturally, I’ve decided to write mine now.  If you’re planning to book me any time soon, please read this very carefully.  I wasn’t quite sure about rider-writing protocol, so I consulted my good friend Jay-Z’s rider.

Rider for Dale A. Mackey

PURCHASER shall furnish to the ARTIST the following ground transportation upon ARTIST arrival into Engagement City until ARTIST departure:

(1) sea foam green vespa

(1) mini cooper with driver

PURCHASER shall furnish to the ARTIST the following representative of Engagement City:

(4) interesting, funny and attractive individuals with full knowledge of local restaurants and social scenes to entertain ARTIST after Engagement

PURCHASER shall furnish to the ARTIST a dressing room meeting the following requirements:

(1) hot tub that can comfortable hold eight people

(1) private bathroom with bidet

(1) air hockey table

(1) HUGE couch. we’re talking MASSIVE

(1) plush robe

PURCHASER shall furnish to the ARTIST the following foods:

(1) large greek salad with dressing on the side. lots of feta, onions, and olives.  moderate amount of tomatoes and hot peppers.  romaine lettuce.  everything should be a fairly uniform size.

(1) vat of either either egg lemon soup or cramy chicken and wild rice.  hot and sour soup should be available if requested.

(12) fresh merengue cookies.  if it’s near christmas time, merengues should be mint flavored with chocolate chips.  an acceptable alternative is french macaroons in pistachio, lemon, raspberry or chocolate.
(a huge) selection of the finest regional food from a variety of authentic local establishments
(1) pitcher iced cucumber water, case diet cherry doctor pepper, case canfield’s diet chocolate soda, and no less than three bottles of andre champagne, and the ability to make thai iced coffee upon request
(1) 13×9 casserole dish macaroni and cheese (rotini noodles and sharp cheddar)
(1) fresh fruit platter with greek yogurt and honey.  figs and soft cheeses included.

PURCHASER shall furnish to the ARTIST the following gifts
(1) basket of fun items, such as stationary, clothing and accessories from small local shops specializing in great design


2 Responses to “Write Your Rider”

  1. Lora March 5, 2010 at 1:02 pm #

    i don’t think you need to wait until your famous. you should present this at every audition you do from now on- possibly even at toot’s for karaoke, only you might want to amend it to just include one free sparks.

  2. Michael March 8, 2010 at 3:31 pm #


    Dale: “Hey Bonnie I’ll have my one free Sparks, please.”

    Bonnie: “Here you go dear. That’ll be $3.50.”

    Dale: “I shoulda just chatrouletted today….”

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